Seeds grow upward, push
through dirt, and grow taller than
They could ever dream.
The kind of person that I want to be is a topic that frequents my thoughts. What words do I use to describe myself and do my actions reflex those adjectives? Self-improvement is one of my favorite subjects next to human behavior and relationships. Anyone who know me knows that I love to analyze. I am a “Questioner” according to Gretchen Rubin’s Four Tendencies framework. I am my harshest critic. I hold others to a high standard because I hold myself to a higher one. This also makes me more forgiving towards others than I am to myself. And it can produce a lot of shame.
I remember when I graduated college and I no longer intermittently took dance lessons at Bush Mango Drum and Dance in Rochester, NY. I realized at that moment that I could no longer call myself a dancer. Not unless I returned to dance on a regular basis. Yes, I still have the capability, maybe the talent, even. But I am no longer a dancer because my actions no longer reflect that title. I became a hiker, a volunteer, a filmmaker, and a wine and beer enthusiast instead, to name a few.
But is that good enough? Not in general. But for me. I’m not interested in cultural norms. I’m not interested in being better than that guy. I’m interested in being my best self and leading a life that follows my morals and my aspirations. So, essentially, am I living up to my own expectations?
The answer is yes and no. I am living up to my own expectations in that I am doing my best. My best might be quite low comparatively speaking, but each moment of success or failure, each kind or not so kind thought or word or action, is me operating at my best given my current circumstances, current environment, and current emotional vulnerability and resilience. I am not complacent, however. There is only one way to go, and that is up or forward or out– whichever description works best for you. I can only learn to be more patient. I can only learn to be more compassionate. I can only learn to love more freely. Whether I act on what I have learned is a separate issue. But the funny thing about knowledge is that you can’t un-know what you know. I may choose to be snippy instead of patient, but I can’t become less patient on the spectrum. Once I’ve learned how to take a deep breath, to wait, to think before reacting, I can’t ever remove that imprint from my soul. A notch has been made on my character. And with the right effort and motivation, I can tap into that part of me. If I do it enough, I can find that light switch in the deepest and darkest of places, in the far recesses of my mind that are dominated by anger and jealousy and covetousness, and I can turn it on without effort– like a finger finding my nose to relieve an itch. What I’m referencing here is mindfulness.
I admit wholeheartedly that I am sometimes exhausted. Exhausted with myself, with humanity, with negativity, with nothing ever being enough. And then I find myself on a trail in the Chugach Mountains of Alaska surrounded by wildflowers, the anticipation of a bear-sighting tingling through my fingertips as they linger near my bear spray and knife, and I inhale deeply. Who am I if I am not moving? I’ve tried staying put, living in one place, doing one thing. That life is not for me. And is it really for anyone? Who is not actively looking for a spouse or a lover? A friend? A new hobby? Marriage. Children. Grandchildren. Job promotions and new coffee shops. Time does not stand still. The mind doesn’t stop. Consciousness is a stream with no tangible beginning or end.
So my challenge to myself is to determine my engagement with that stream. To wade in waist deep and climb into the kayak of my intentions and traverse the waters of my Being. Animals, rocks, rapids, steep falls, and gentle passes. The water continues forward. I am affected by my environment. Do I drift with the current or do I pick up my paddle, one side and then the other, and push with it? But I’ve never been fond of the false-choice. Why one or the other? Why not both? Depending on the situation. Depending on what’s good for all parties involved. Depending on my capacity at that given moment in which I am doing my best– no matter how ugly or pretty my best looks. And, most importantly, having the wisdom to know which course to take when the time comes. I believe that is the true essence of personal growth.
Adulting is hard and tedious. The healthy choices are often to the detriment of convenience and cost. Patience is the opposite of anger. Kindness without exception is like a knife to the throat of the Ego. Am I the person I want to be remembered as? I can only gauge the answer to that question by taking an honest look at my actions.