Belly and soul full
of Deception and Poison--
Now I can think straight.
It’s ironic how my conviction to eat better/ smarter/ more healthfully is so strong a few moments after that last bite of a rich, sugary dessert. Now that my mind has been sufficiently satiated, it can return to its goal of denying that very same satisfaction. Time and time again I prove to myself how much easier it is to want to do better after I’ve done bad.
But why is that? What is wrong with me? Or am I so perfectly right, so exactly as I should be, so precisely the result of the circumstances of this life that the question is not even warranted?
How do I even say no to added sugar, high fructose corn syrup, simple carbs, processed foods, when they are all around me everywhere I look? In every advertisement, on every menu. Taunting me. Breaking down my resolve bit my bit until I eventually cave in. My own personal black cloud. Once my belly is full, a few hours later when I crash from my high, when I finally feel awful after the hit of my favorite drug fades away, I am remorseful, guilt-ridden, and depressed. Why can’t I be stronger? Why can’t I do or not do to be in accordance with my goals? Am I that weak??
I am a victim of my surroundings and I victim-shame to a familiar low: self-hate.
True happiness is a state of mind– this I firmly believe. The kind of happiness that one gets from a sugary dessert, after purchasing an item, or after doing whatever goes against the goals you have set for yourself, is the kind of happiness that flitters away shortly after it is there. This happiness doesn’t last. Pretty soon you need another dessert. You want to buy another item. Pretty soon you’ve gorged. You physically feel bad. You emotionally feel bad. You financially feel bad. That happiness is quickly replaced by feelings of guilt. And to cope with that guilt, you dive deeper into the very thing that makes you feel guilty, another hit of the drug to numb the pain.
If all of this happens to me after just eating a piece of cake, I can’t even begin to imagine what it must be like for the strangers and patients I have come across with street drug and alcohol addictions. Sugar is a drug— there is scientific evidence of the way that brain centers light up after consuming it. Those same centers light up after shopping. That’s how some people are actual “shop-aholics” with real financial hardship. Drugs like heroine and methamphetamine light the brain centers like Times Square on New Years. I imagine that mind being so bright, it can’t even see, it’s paralyzed.
I am fortunate enough to not, at this time of my life, be addicted to street drugs or alcohol– the types of addictions that usually ruin lives. I am so grateful. But where is my compassion when I see a meth-addict in the emergency department for the 3rd time today, and I can’t even quit sugar??
Socially acceptable addictions are not okay to me. If it’s something that I don’t want to do, then I want the power to say no. If it’s something that I want to do, then I want the power to say yes. Where is that power? Where do I find it? Where is it hidden? Who do I have to pay for it? Why do I have to work for it? I work so hard for everything else. Why is it so hard to garner something that is already there inside me?
I’m chuckling as I write this. I’m in the middle of my one day off after four 12-hour shifts. I work so hard at my job, I put so much of myself into my work and my patients, no wonder I have little left for myself when I go home. I am a vulnerable soul. I think that is what makes me a good nurse. I truly care about you and helping you feel better, live better, be better. I have to figure out how to nurse myself. How to forgive myself. How to follow my own advise: don’t dwell on yesterday, live in the now, do better next time! Energy spent worrying or feeling guilty is wasted energy. If you are worrying, you are living in the future. If you are feeling guilty, you are living in the past. The only actual life you have is in the now. I don’t care how hippy or fru-fru that sounds.
I just finished a small cup of ice cream after binging on a large slice of cake after 6 days of eating healthy and sugar-free. I can’t undo what I did. But I can say out loud that I don’t feel good. I feel bloated and heavy. I want to feel light and energized. And I know which foods to eat to feel that way and which ones not to. Someone else reading this post might not agree with me. They may say, YOLO, eat what you want when you want, who cares? But I care. And I know that my 70 year-old self will, too, when I am suffering from the many chronic health issues that plague our communities. It is no accident that we all develop diabetes, hypertension, high cholesterol, arthritis, cancer, as if it is the natural course of aging– though this “natural course” is seemingly non-existent in certain communities outside of Western culture and is relatively undocumented until recent times. We feed what ails us. This cycle of self-abuse must come to an end.
I started chuckling as I wrote this– I’m in the middle of my one days off after four 12-hour shifts. I work so hard at my job, I put so much of myself into my work and my patients, no wonder I have little left for myself when I go home. I am a vulnerable soul. I think that is what makes me a good nurse. I truly care about you and helping you feel better, live better, be better. I have to figure out how to nurse myself. How to forgive myself. How to follow my own advise– don’t dwell on yesterday, live in the now, do better next time. Energy spent worrying or feeling guilty is wasted energy. If you are worrying, you are living in the future. If you are feeling guilty, you are living in the past. The only actual life you have is in the now. I don’t care how hippy or fru-fru that sounds. I just finished a small cup of ice cream after binging on a large slice of cake after 6 days of eating healthy and sugar-free. I can’t undo what I did. But I can say out loud that I don’t feel good. I feel bloated and heavy. I want to feel light and energized. And I know which foods to eat to feel that way and which ones not to. Someone else reading this post might not agree with me. They may say, YOLO, eat what you want when you want, who cares? But I care. And I know my 70 year-old self will, too, when I am suffering from the many chronic health issues that plague our communities. It is no accident that we all develop diabetes, hypertension, high cholesterol, arthritis, cancer, as if it is the natural course of aging– though this “natural course” is seemingly non-existent in certain communities outside of Western culture and relatively undocumented until recent times. We feed what ails us. This cycle of self-abuse must come to an end.
Whatever it is that you care about– what ever habits you want to start or want to break, you must start them or break them. The time is now. The only one who can do it is you.
Oh, how strong my resolve now that I’m feeling shitty!